5 Years
Well here we are, half a decade together, can you believe it? I wouldn’t trade it for anything else, all the memories we’ve had together, the good and the bad. Being with you makes me feel like I can accomplish anything, like I want to be a better person. I thank God for putting you in my life. I mean, it really is unbelievable right? So many people bringing us down because we were so young, like you said, I was 14 and you were barely 12. A freshman and a 7th grader, funny thinking about it. People like Morris and Eli saying it won’t last a year, shoot, I didn’t even think we’d last this long. My parents and grandparents didn’t approve, your parents didn’t either, but now they want it to be us in the end. Funny the way things workout like that. You’ve changed me in ways you would never know. When I’m down, you pick me up, when my walk with God is going in another path, you direct me towards the right way, when I need someone to talk to, you’re there. I can even act completely stupid with you, even though you don’t laugh at my jokes at times while I laugh at myself. You’re my best friend and my lover, someone who I can be myself with all the time. Thank you for all you’ve done, for the memories, for being there for me, for caring for me, for loving me, for being you. I love you so much! Happy Anniversary! (yesterday.)
“March 28, 2005-forever” :)
Not Without Love
It’s so hard to not give up on you guys. You’ve all been my closest friends for years now, but I keep losing faith every day. I ask God for the patience, and it’s still hard to get by even with Him on my side. It’s so wrong how you go to church and do these things, thinking it won’t backfire on you someday. You use God in your everyday speech yet you don’t even know who He is. Your friends may ask “Who did you party with last night? Who did you drink with last night? Who did you smoke with?” What are you gonna say, church friends? I mean really? What’s the meaning of being Christian to you? Having the thought that God will forgive you for every little thing that you’ve done, just throwing your faith aside until Sunday comes around and you try hard to be a good little boy. It’s such a heavy burden, although I’m not responsible for everyone it feels like I am. We all grew up together, learning the same lessons, having the same teachers, growing up in the same faith. To you guys, it seems like it’s just a religion, not a relationship. You don’t put it into practice, you never have..
God help me please
This can’t be Christianity, it can’t be
The whole thing’s like insanity
Where’s the rest of eternal security?
Where’s the hope of a God big enough to cope with all my hang-ups and insecurities?
If this is where your faith has placed you.. then truly you are lost. There’s only so much one can do in times like these, pray without ceasing. Words can be heard but more than often are ignored.
I thought I’d win them all with words
I’d say a smooth little line to win the room every time
And they’d be moved by what they heard
My tongue as empty as my heart
It’s not enough to play the part
O Jesus give me more than words
We pass out paper facts all week but they won’t come around
Apologetic reasoning, but they won’t come around, come around
There’s only one way they’ll come and it’s love
I am a one man marching band
And you’ll be mighty surprised to realize just how I’m playing my songs
It’s all live music ten till one
Come hear some cymbal crashing, son
And maybe hear me beat the gong
Men with other men loving the mammon more than God
Man, they’re in a sinking ship and who can save them?
God can
Maybe for a minute I can get back to the heart of it
Sure I’ve got zeal, but does love have a part in it?
Passionate words and beautiful phrases
They just don’t mean much if I don’t have Jesus in it
As long as I’ve put this off I guess I’ll start now, so be happy :) Lol. I promised to blog about you for the longest time but somehow I always had a reason to put it off just because I hated blogging, but it’s not so bad following the trend that everybody else follows.
Well, to start off, I would just like to say how much I love you and care about you. You’re part of the reason, if not most, that I’m constantly checking up on myself, making sure my walk with God is ok, making sure that whenever I treat you wrong or say something wrong I correct myself in a heartbeat because you taught me to be this way. I constantly find myself doing things I’ve never done before, because of you. Things like..
- Watching make-up videos(no homo lol)
- Speaking properly when I’m not used to it
- Dressing nice, not the typical one shirt one sweater with khaki pants every Sunday(lol)
- Watching what I spend my money on and thinking twice about it
- I would put more but then I’d sound gay, so it’s ok :) lol
It’s amazing even after more than 4 and a half years of being with you, I can never get tired of you, your cute smile, your contagious laugh, your voice when I wake you up every morning. I can’t help but smile whenever I see you, even though it’s only once or maybe twice a week. I’ve gotta say, putting up with you wasn’t the easiest thing to do either. We’ve been through so much, more rain than shine in our relationship. We’d fight almost everyday, and we’d find the most stupidest things to fight over. I can’t believe I would kill myself over you. Looking back at that makes me want to cry, but also laugh, laugh because of how stupid we actually were. As much as I love you, you’re not worth it to kill myself. Other couples say they wouldn’t be able to live without each other, but in reality, they will. I know I would and we’re already deep into our relationship. The difference between us and them is, I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else, I wouldn’t be able to find someone who can love me as much, care for me as much, miss me as much as you. I’m so glad that God found us where we were and molded us to who we are, as a couple. I’m so glad we put Him in front of our relationship rather than the back, otherwise we wouldn’t have gotten this far.
I love you Nicole, and although I may slip at times and make a fool of myself, I will always be there for you when you need me. I promise to never go back to who I was not only for our sake, but for mine as well. I love you with all my heart, soul, and mind and I can never have it any other way. And as old, corny, and bopper this is.. March 28, 2005 - Forever<3
Being where and who I am now and looking back to where and who I was before, I can say that I never want to go back to that. Although it may not seem like it, I’ve been through so much ups and downs that it’s ridiculous. This was a private part of my life which only a few of you know, but back then I was actually suicidal. I felt like I was never good enough. When I got expelled, I didn’t feel good enough so I ran away, in my relationship, I felt like I can never live up to what she wanted me to be, etc. So my only solution was to kill myself, and I didn’t care who it affected or where I went. In one situation (brace yourself for a semi-long story), as stupid as this sounds, about two years ago Nicole and I were having a conversation on AIM, we had one of our usual fights. It was about something stupid, as always and one thing lead to another, and I wanted to kill myself. It was probably the most intense moment of my life. Our conversation went like this —-
- Me-I don’t care where I go or what happens to me if I die
- Nicole-Please don’t do this Tim..
- Me-Please help me Nicole I don’t know what I’m doing.. please help!!!
- Nicole-Tim please stop.. I’m praying for you right now..
- Me-Hahahahahahahahaha
This was really my breaking point, this was a closed memory in my life until we were talking over the phone about this. I was demon-possessed. As much as you don’t want to believe it, I remember what was happening. I was typing faster than I normally do, I was shaking, holding a knife to my chest, the lights were flickering like crazy, and I had no control over myself. I regained control and ran to my parents and it stopped..
I NEVER want to go back to that, being helpless and never thinking twice about my actions. I wasn’t saved, I had an idea of who God was and I wanted to believe that I was saved but in reality I wasn’t. My point is, as much as you think you’re saved, and as many times as you go to God for your problems and think everything is going to be ok, it’s not. Being a Christian means living the lifestyle Jesus wants us to live, not taking everything for granted. Life is fragile, treat it like such.
I can say this picture symbolizes looking back at my old self and hoping for the future.
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